Since my mom past away in 2013, all holidays have felt "different." Having that "different" feeling in the days leading up to the Fourth of July came as no surprise. I did all the things I love to do: decorate, cook, listen to music and celebrate with friends. What DID come as a surprise was that I still couldn't rid myself of that "different" feeling. It finally occurred to me that this Fourth of July WAS different and I needed to embrace and lean into it.
Monday marked the official week countdown to Hudson's transplant. In seven days things will be....different. Hudson will be different. We will be different. Life will be different.
Admitting and being honest about this has made me do a couple of things during these final seven days.
I find myself staring at Hudson....all. of. the. time.
I keep catching myself staring at him sleeping, eating, kicking, and playing as if I am trying to memorize every detail of that exact moment to deposit in some memory bank. I have been thinking about it and I can only come up with two reasons that rationalize this behavior. The first is the most obvious - my kid is stinkin' adorable. The second reason I found a little strange. There is something about me wanting to remember every moment so I can accurately compare the "before" to the "after." Most people have made comments along the lines of, "this will all be a distant memory" or "put these memories behind you" but I don't WANT to put these memories behind me. I want the future to build on the foundation of love, strength and humor we have already built. We've had one #hillofajourney so far. I don't want to erase or forget that.
I cry....all. of. the. time.
And I am now okay with it. I have a lot going on and the quicker I lean into it, the easier it will be. Ugly cry count this week is off the charts.
Have great (realistic) expectations
Hudson is not going to recover overnight. I have to keep reminding myself that. I catch myself making all these "after surgery" plans (either in my head or when discussing with family and friends) however, realistically, we don't know what the future holds. Only Hudson can dictate that.
...But that doesn't mean that time stops.
Morgan and I have spoken about this a lot. Yes, there will be challenges and precautions that we need to take but life goes on and it is our responsibility and desire to make sure Hudson experiences as much of it as possible.
Without getting too philosophical or high and mighty, I am learning to make this philosophy be part of my every day attitude. Like any habit, it takes practice and constant reminders. One of the best ways that I know how to do this is capturing every day moments. This means not worrying about having make up on, hair done or those extra few pounds I still have on me from pregnancy. When I look back on moments, I am going to remember memories of that day versus how I looked.