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sometimes you just have to vent

They prepped us that it had to get worse before it got better. I mentally prepared myself for that - or so I thought. Seeing Hudson unable to do an essential thing like eat breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes even now. My stomach drops like I am on a rollercoaster and it takes everything I have in me not to cry in front of him. I guess I never thought that when they said he would decline, it would be so rapidly. He was 'fine' last week. I looked at the pictures I had taken from Friday morning, the day he went to the ER, and he was smiling and laughing at me. I need the decline to slow down to the gradual pace I had mentally prepared for. The worst part is they still consider him 'stable' which scares the shit out of me because that means it is going to get worse and I am going to have to deal with it because it is happening regardless if I am ready or not. The worst feeling of this journey has been helplessness and as I sit here in the hospital watching Hudson sleep right now, I feel exactly that.

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